WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
