I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
