i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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