So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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