You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
