Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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