does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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