I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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