I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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