either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
