The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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