somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
