Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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