just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
