so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
