Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
