No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
