It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
