I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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