Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
