Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
