I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
