the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
