I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
