I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You took a bar mat shot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
