apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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