We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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