I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
