perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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