I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
