Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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