Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize