My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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