I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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