You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
