Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
