I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
