we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
