sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
