the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
