the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
