If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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