You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
zippers are such a cool invention
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
