I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
