I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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