I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
