you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
