1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
