Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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