I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The uberlube is also flammable
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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