My Higher Power is John Stamos
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
