She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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