It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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