i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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