Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
