I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
