I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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