I can text with my tongue
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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