Can Purell be used as lube?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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