she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
