I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
