I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
